I’ve found and edited a ton of drinking humor, most of it incidental to my pub song sing-along show called Musica Inebriata. The following are jokes that can be labeled as “A man walks into a bar” story jokes. These are a special sub-classification of the broader body of drinking humor, which is as old as beer itself. Personally, I rarely find drunkards to be funny and those who feign drunkenness to grab a laugh are often silly and trite. But like a good golf joke, these jokes are clever and funny and lord knows, very much appreciated when the conversation begins to ebb and the night is still early. Cheers!
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. Noticing he looked glum, the bartender asked him, “Hey mac, why are you looking so sad?” The man looked up and said, “Do you know anybody who might like to buy a talking horse? Mine has gotten me down.” The bartender was understandably disbelieving. “If you don’t believe me,” the man said, “you can come to my stable and see him for yourself.” After closing time the two walked down the road to the man’s stable and the bartender was introduced to Cranky the Horse, as the man named him. “Tell the man how you’re day was, Cranky” said the man. Cranky replied, “It was horrible and I was bored and restless.” The bartender couldn’t believe his ears. “And tell me about your feed today, did you enjoy it?” Cranky once again replied, “It was terrible and I am sick and tired of dry oats and stale hay.” The bartender could only think about what a fortune this horse was worth. The man continued, “And what about the other horses, how were they today?” Cranky again replied, “They were loud, moody and smelly. I can’t stand these other horses. In fact I never want to spent another day with them ever again!” Amazed, the bartender asked, “Why in the world would you ever want to sell him, he’s worth a fortune!” The man answered, ”I don’t need the money and frankly I am sick and tired of his constant complaints.”
A man walked into a bar and sees a beautiful redhead sitting alone and looking bored and available. He sat next to her, ordered a beer and started to make small talk wit her. “So what do you do for a living?” he asked.
“I’m a nun,” she answered. “And I take my job very seriously.” She continued, “In fact, I would say it’s my life’s passion to help the suffering.” Intrigued he said, “Oh that’s very interesting. I wonder if you can help me with a problem I’m having but it’s a little embarrassing.” Oh,” she said, ‘nothing is embarrassing to an experienced nun. I’ve heard just about everything.” Relieved, the man said, “Well you see, I’ve been told my dick tastes funny.” “Oh that’s not a problem you have to worry about,” she said. “In my experience, every dick tastes funny!”
A man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. As he was waiting to be served he overheard a fait voice say, “Nice tie.” He looked around but couldn’t tell where the voice was coming from. A moment later he heard the a similar voice say, “Nice smile.” Again, he looked around in puzzlement. Once again he heard another voice say, “Nice mustache.” The bartender brought the man a beer and the man asked him, “Where are these voices I keep hearing coming from?” The bartender answer, From the bowl on the bar. Those are our special brand of complimentary peanuts!“
A man walked into a bar and was surprised to see his estranged wife sitting alone on a barstool. “What are you doing here? He asked. “Same thing as you I imagine,” she replied. After a few drinks they both noticed a rekindling of the love they formerly shared. “I was reading that it is good couples therapy,” he said, “to play a game in which you fantasize about a movie being made about your life.” “Oh really?” she said. “And which actor would you like to play you?” He thought for a moment and answered, “I’d like to be played by George Clooney.” He then asked her, “who would you like to play you?” “Without a moment’s delay she said, “If you’re George Clooney I think I’d like to play myself.”
A man walked into a bar and sees a strikingly beautiful woman sitting alone and looking bored and available. After ordering a beer, he summoned the courage to chat with her. “Is this your first time here? “ she asked. “I can’t recall,” he responded. “What do you do for a living?” she then asked. “I can’t recall that either,” he answered. “Can you recall if you’re married?” To this question he answered, “Yes I can recall that and I am definitely not married.” Puzzled, the woman said, “Well that’s good to know but why do you have such a lousy memory?” He answered, “Well, if I told you would never believe me.” Curious to learn more about him, she said, “Just try me.” “Okay,” he said. “Well, you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and I found a genie in a bottle. I opened it and in gratitude for freeing him, I was granted the option of having a really big dick or a photographic memory.” She asked, “Which did you choose?” He answered, “That’s just it, I can’t remember.”
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. A fellow sitting next to him struck up a conversation. The fellow said, I’m angry with my wife because she never talks to me anymore.” The man thought for a moment. “You should count yourself as lucky. Women like that are hard to find!”
A man walked into a bar. He confided to the bartender, an old friend, “My doctor warned me that I’m gonna die if I don’t give up sex.” The bartender asked, “Gosh, that’s terrible.
What’s the problem?” The man replied, “I’m screwing his wife!”
A man walked into a bar with the determination to have nothing more than a single shot of bourbon. Then he noticed the bartender, a gorgeous and buxom brunette. He couldn’t take his eyes off her bosom. “What’ll it be” she asked. “Without a moment’s hesitation he answered, “I’ll have a bourbon and make it a double!”
A man walked into a bar and spotted his ex-wife sitting with a one of his oldest friends. The man soon drank too much and feeling frisky and not spying any prospects, he sauntered up to his ex-wife and whispered into her ear, “Why don’t you come out to my car and give me a blowjob for old time’s sake?” With that, she slapped him across the face and screamed, “go to hell you sex fiend!” Regaining his composure, he said to his old friend, “Well at least I now know she hasn’t changed since our divorce.”
A man walked into a bar and started giggling as he got blasted. “What’s so funny?” asked a fellow sitting next to him? “The man replied, “My wife had an operation today and her doctor said she can’t have sex for a month.” “The other man said, ”That’s no reason to be happy.” “Yes it is,” he answered. “He said she can’t have sex, not that I couldn’t!”
Two blondes walked into a bar. They never saw it coming!
A man walked into a bar and told the angry old bartender that he was celebrating the tenth anniversary of his wife’s death. A cute blonde waitress overheard him and asked her boss to give him a free drink for old time’s sake. “Fuck him!” replied the crusty bartender. She said, “Well that sounds a bit unorthodox but okay, you’re the boss!”
Five Romans walked into a tavern and held up his fingers in a Peace Sign to the bartender. The bartender said, “Two beers coming up sir.” “No, five beers,” said the Roman.
A priest, a rabbi and an imam walked into a bar together. The bartender approached them and asked, “Is this a joke?”
A man walked into a bar and started drinking and chatting with the drunk sitting next to him. The man said, “I’m afraid to go home after a bender because my wife is a light sleeper and she’ll scream if she hears me. So I always have to sneak in and hope I don’t wake her.” The other fellow said. “I have just the opposite problem. When I get home, my wife pretends to be asleep even if she isn’t.”
A man walked into a bar and saw a co-worker who was new to the company and they took the opportunity to become better acquainted. After several rounds of tequila shots, they started complaining about their wives. “I want my wife to treat me like a king,” the man said. “I want her to wait on me hand and foot.” The other said, “I want my wife to treat me like a god: ignore me until she really needs something.”
A dumb blonde walked into a bar. After a few drinks she confided to the bartender that her boyfriend really loved her. “That’s sweet,” said the bartender. “How do you know?” The blonde replied, “Well he said he was never going to have sex with me again.” The bartender replied, “That’s not very loving!” The blonde said, “Oh it is because he said he’d kill any man who does!”
An elephant walked into a bar but before he could talk the bartender said, “Sorry bud, we don’t serve elephants here.” The elephant said, “Well that’d good to know. I just came in to ask for directions.”
A polar bear walked into a bar seeking directions to the North Pole. An Eskimo was sitting at the bar and said, “Don’t ask me, I’ve been lost for ten years!”
A mushroom walked into a bar and asked for a drink. “We don’t serve mushrooms here,” said the bartender. “Your menu says you do,” said the mushroom. “Oh yeah, that’s right we do,” the bartender said. “But tell me first, are you buttered or deep fried?
A gunslinger stomped into a saloon with a six-shooter in each hand. “Alright,” he yelled, “listen up everybody.” Motioning his guns he said, “Everybody on my right is a yellow-bellied coward, got it?” Everyone on that side of the saloon cowered in agreement. Then he sneered, “And everybody on the left side of the saloon is a lily-livered idiot, got it?” Everyone on that side of the saloon also cowered in agreement. Just then a little man scampered from the right side to the left side. “Where do you think you’re going shrimpy?” the gunslinger demanded. “Well, my wife always calls me an idiot so I was on the wrong side of the saloon.”
A dumb blonde walks into a bar and orders a drink. Seeing her all alone, a man slides down to the barstool next to her. “Can I tell you a secret? he asked her. She leaned closer to him. “You can tell me anything. But first you have to be me a drink.” He motioned to the bartender over and asked her, “Sure, what’ll you have?” She said, “a blowjob. I love blowjobs!” Startled, he said, “What a coincidence, so do I.”