Mark Twain called golf “a good walked spoiled.” He thought of golf as a mindless obsession because he could not understand the appeal of the game. Not much has changed since golf became a popular pastime during the beginning of the 20th century. The lure of golf remains elusive but that doesn’t seem to affect its appeal to millions. But unlike all other pastimes, perhaps with the lesser exception of fishing, golf lends itself to humor and this humor has been expressed in the form of story jokes. Perhaps because there is a lot of waiting between shots. It needs to be killed some way. So why not with laughter? Presented here are golf story-style jokes I collected for a promotional project I undertook some years ago. I claim no authorship but I did take the liberty of altering and improving them to suit my particular tastes. Jokes are a kind of folklore. Nobody owns them. Or rather, everybody owns them. Now they are yours to enjoy and pass along.
A threesome of golfers were sitting in the clubhouse after completing their weekly round. As they were want to do, their attentions turned to their wives.
“I’ve got a great wife,” said the first of them. “When I return hoe after a round, she
always greets me at the front door with a
smile and a kiss.”
“My wife is great too, “ said the second of hem. “When I return home after a round, she massages my back and prepares a nice meal for me.”
The third of them said: “I’ve got you both beat. When I return home from a round, my wife meets me in the bedroom, performs a striptease and then makes enthusiastic love to me.”
The first of them said: “Wait a minute.
You’re not even married.”
“I know, said the third of them. “That’s what makes my wife so great!”
On his first visit to Pebble Creek, Mr. Smith could barely contain his excitement. When his turn to tee off arrived, he was shaking with anxiety for fear of hitting a lousy drive in front of the crowd that customarily gathers to send off golfers on their rounds. After lining up his shot and gazing at the pristine first fairway, he swung his club and, much to his amazement, whiffed entirely. His embarrassment silenced him and he began to shake. Again he swung and again he whiffed. The crowd was deathly silent. He stepped back, gathered his
courage and stepped up to his ball to swing again. Again he lined up his shot and gazed upon the pristine fairway. Again he swung and again he whiffed. Turning read with embarrassment, he said:
“This course is tougher than I thought it would be.”
The Cash in the Dresser Drawer
Prior to getting engaged, Mr. Jones told his bride to be, “I have just one request my dear.”
“And what is that?” she asked.
“I keep the top drawer of my dresser locked and I want you to respect my privacy to that extent. Everything else is open to discussion. Is that okay with you?”
I suppose so, she said. It’s doesn’t seem too much to ask of me.”
“I keep my golfing things in there, including my score cards and lucky golf balls. I don’t want you to see or touch them,” he told her.
“Fine, “ she said. “I now you love your golf but as long as you love me too I’ll respect your top drawer and never look into it.”
Thirty years passed and one day the wife was bored and decided to peer into her husband’s private drawer. Inside she found a box of score cards, three golf balls and an envelope containing a huge amount of cash.
find her naked when she opened the door. He
was equally shocked when she threw herself at him and planted a big kiss on his lips and grabbed his hand and excitedly rushed him into her bedroom. He was ecstatic when she made beautiful love to him. Afterward, not realizing the time that has passed, he thanked her, kissed her goodbye and raced home to find his angry wife all dressed for Sunday services.
“Im’m sorry I’m late honey, he sheepishly said. You’ll never believe what happened to me.”
“Let me guess, she said. “You got flat tire on your way home?”
“No, that’s not it,” he said.
“Okay, you ran out of gas?”
“No that’s not it either.”
“The why are you so late?”
“Well, I have to admit to you that met a beautiful woman who lured me up to her room and made mad love to me. It was totally unexpected and I feel deeply ashamed of
myself. Can you ever forgive me dear?
She looked him squarely in the eyes Her rage began to swell. He face turned red with anger. And she blurted out, “You damn liar, you played eighteen holes, didn’t you?”
Breaking One Hundred
In all her life, Mr. Smith’s wife never broke one hundred…for none holes! But one day, on a short par three she hit a shot that baked off a tree and her ball rolled to within four feet of the cup. It being the ninth hole, if she sank it she would finally break one hundred. She was really excited.
“If I sink this putt I’, going to die,” she said.
“In that case, honey, don’t bother. It’s a gimmie.”
No Golf Talk Tonight
Smith had the very bad habit of talking non-stop at the dinner table about his golf round each day. Sick and tired to it, his wife made him a deal: If he promised not to mention a single word about golf, she would make his favorite meal, his favorite dessert and then make passionate love to him afterward.
“That means not a single, solitary word or reference for anything having to do with golf,” she demanded.
“Not a word,” my dear he promised.
When he was seated at the table, he had to hold his tongue to stop himself from describing his drive on the second hole. After the soup course, he stopped himself from mentioning the birdie putt he sunk on the seventh green. After the salad course he almost mentioned the great sandshot he hit out of the fourteenth fairway trap. With the arrival of the main course, he could smell
the marvelous aroma of his favorite teacup dinner rolls. He was highly pleased and lost himself in joy. He liked them smothered in sweet butter, which she served along side them. As he moved his head to gather their pleasing aroma, he realized how fortunate he was indeed to have such a loving wife. Losing himself in a moment of satisfaction, he then politely asked his wife, “Please pass the putter dear.”
A foursome was playing on a lovely Saturday morning when they arrived at the sixth green, which sat adjacent to a road. Just hen a funeral procession drove by and Smith decided to pay his respects by removing his hat even though it was his turn to putt.
“I’m surprised you are so solemn,” said Smith. Is it somebody you know?”
“Yes, the other golfer said. Next week would have been our fortieth wedding anniversary.”
Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones, two old buddies were playing around of golf but were being slowed down by a twosome of women in front of them. Naturally they became very frustrated as they prided themselves on speed play.
“I’m gonna drive up to them and ask them if we can play through, “Smith said to Jones.
So off he went but when he reached rhe women, he quickly turned around and said to Jones, “You’ll never believe this but that’s my wife up there. And she’s playing with my mistress! You better go up there and ask them yourself. So off Jones went and he too turned around and headed back after approaching but not speaking to the women.
“What happened?” asked Smith.
“You’ll never believe this but that’s my wife and she is playing with my mistress too!”
“Do you know what that means?” asked the incredulous Smith.
“Of course I do! I’m screwing your wife and you’re screwing mine!”
“Yeah, small world isn’t. Okay, tee your ball up, it’s all clear now.”
The Old Pro
The old golf pro could barely play any longer and he lamented his weakness in all things. He also lamented his lack of enthusiasm for the game and for women and the other things he enjoyed in earlier years, But he never failed to admit he still enjoyed a good meal and a cigar afterward.
To celebrate his 90th birthday, the club members decided to send him to a hotel were he could enjoy a good night’s sleep away from the hub-hub of the club. Once he was ensconced in his room, he heard a knock on the door and he answered it. To his
surprise, a beautiful woman in a fabulously tight dress entered and said, “Your friends sent me to offer you an evening of super sex.”
Harry thought for a moment and figured the hotel room service waitresses must wear curious new uniforms. After a moment of silence he said, “I’ll have the soup. And bring a good cigar with you too.”
The Triple Bogey
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were playing a round together, as they liked to do on Sunday afternoons. Smith landed behind a tree and his next shot would be obstructed by a fork above it’s trunk.
“Use your 8-iron honey,” Mrs. Smith advised. I think you can get the lift you need but not too much so you won’t hit the branches.”
So Smith selected his 8-iron but when he stuck the ball, he chunked it and the ball
ricocheted off the left-fork and stuck his wife in the head. She was dead in an instant.
The following Spring Smith was playing a round at the same course with his new girlfriend. Oddly enough, he landed behind the same tree.
“Use your 8-iron, honey,” his girlfriend advised him. “You should be able to get the lift but not too much so you won’t nit the branches.”
“Not a chance,” answered Smith. “I tried that last year and ended up with a triple bogey!”
Not a Word Tonight!
The wife of the PGA touring pro was sick and tired of her husband always talking about golf while they made love. So on their anniversary she planned a romantic evening but she cautioned him not to talk about golf the entire evening, especially while they were making love.
“Not a single, word! She warned him.
“I promise,” said the pro.
The evening progressed nicely and the pro kept his promise. When they retired to the bedroom, the wife surprised him by wearing a cute golfing motif negligee.
“Remember your promise,” she warned him.
“I do,” replied the pro, but I wonder what my caddy is going to say when I tell him about this!”
Mr. Smith was an avid golfer but his wife demanded that he devote as much effort to their love life than to his golfing. One night they were in bed and making love. At the moment of climax, Smith yelled out “Yes Betty Lou, yes!”
“Exactly who is Betty Lou? Mrs. Smith demanded to know?
The embarrassed Smith said: “Oh, Betty Lou, that’s the name I gave my penis after I read that article about jazzing up our sex life you asked me to read instead of playing another round of golf. Don’t you remember.”
“Oh, that’s nice, “ she replied. “Okay, Betty Lou it is!”
When he returned home tat evening after work he was surprised to find his wife had packed her bags and was gone. He found a note next to the telephone. It read: “I’m leaving you. Betty Lou called you this afternoon and asked if you could play around.”
Never Up Never In
Mrs. Smith was feeling badly about starting a fight with her husband over he belief that he spent more time on the golf course than he spent with her. So she decided to purchase a make-up gift at his favorite golf pro shop. She looked around and couldn’t find what she regarded as the perfect gift for him. She asked for some suggestions from the sales clerk. The clerk showed her a sold gold putter and said it was on sale and that he would throw in an engraving for free.
“Sure, why not. I’m certain none of his friends have one of those. Okay, I’ll take it.
The sales clerk asked her how she’d like the engraving to read.
“I’m not sure,” she said. What do you propose?”
“How about Never Up Never In?”
“Oh no,” she cried, that’s what started the fight in the first place!”
Mr. and Mrs. Smith enjoyed playing golf together for over fifty years. But age was catching up to them and soon his eyes were very poor and he could barely see his ball. She could see pretty good but her memory was terrible. One day he suggested that they play alternate-shot golf so they could simplify there game and help each other overcome their disabilities.
“I’ll hit first off the tee and you can hit second because you can’t hit it as far,” he told her.
“Okay honey,” she said. “Go ahead and tee it up. I’ll watch it for you.”
So he swung his driver and struck the ball and he knew it was a great shot because he could feel he hit the soft spot of the club.
“Did you see it, honey?” he asked.
Sure did, honey. It’s a great shot!”
“Where’d it go?”
“That’s just it, honey, I can’t remember.”
The Tricky Genie
Mr. Smith and his wife were playing a round on a resort course in Arizona. As they played, they admired the beautiful large homes that lined the areas beyond the desert rough. On the last hole, Smith sliced his drive directly toward a gorgeous hose with
large windows. Just as he feared, it smashed through the largest of the windows and it shattered. He wondered who in the world would build such a house on a golf course and not install shatter-proof glass panes.
“I’ll bet that window will cost a mint to replace,” he worried aloud.
“We better go over there and apologize,” Mrs. Smith suggested.
“Yeah, I suppose we should,” Smith begrudgingly agreed.
When they arrived at the broken window, they saw the ball had also sheared the top off a large antique looking bottle.”
“I’ll bet that’s worth a mint too,” Mrs. Smith said
Smith shuttered in pain at what this errant golf shot would cost him. Just then, a man approached them from behind and started expressing his effusive thanks.
“What are you thanking us for? Asked Smith.” We just smashed your big window and antique vessel.”
“No problem my friend. You see I’m a genie and you freed me from 500 years of captivity in that old bottle. To show my gratitude I am going to grant you three wishes.”
“Wow!” said Smith. “That sounds great. What luck!”
“That’s better than a hole in one!” exclaimed Mrs. Smith.
“What is your first wish?
“Smith turned to his wife: “You go first honey, what do you wish for?” She thought for a moment and said, “We’ve never had much
money so how about you grant us a million dollars in cash?”
“Of that’s what you want, you’ve got it,” said the Genie. “It’s on your dining room table now, in neat stacks $50’s and %100’s. Untraceable too!”
“Wow that’s fantastic” said Smith. For my wish I’d like to be made a scratch golfer. Is that okay?”
“Sure it is,” said the Genie. You’ll play like a pro from this point forward. And what do you wish for for wish number three?”
The Smiths conferred and agreed that wishing for peace on earth would be the best wish they could make and so they asked the Genie for it and he complimented them on their generous good-will.
“With the snap of my fingers, peace will reign forever,” said the Genie. He then snapped his fingers and offered his congratulations, predicting that the Smiths would certainly win the next Nobel Peace Prize.
Then the Genie said: You know Smith, I’ve been locked away for so long, I kind of long for the love of a good woman. Would you mind very much if I made love to your wife?”
“I’d don’t know about that. What do you think honey?”
Mrs. Smith pondered the proposition. Finally she said, “It’s doesn’t seem like such a big request honey, after all, look what he has done for us.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. You could do worse than making love to a Genie. And he seems like a good sport. Okay, I agree.”
With that the Genie led Mrs. Smith into the house while Smith enjoyed the patio and view
for the course.
After they made passionate love, the Genie asked Mrs. Smith how old her husband was.
“He’s thirty-five and I’m thirty-three,” she replied.
“You’re both a little old to believe in Genies, don’t you think?”
The Future Wife
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were playing a round on a beautiful weekday afternoon, enjoying each other’s company as much as the weather and the game. But it was slow going and on the second tee, while forced into a wait
Mrs. Smith became strangely reflective about their long and happy relationship.
“Sweetheart,” she said, “if I should die tomorrow, would you remarry?”
“Smith replied: “Honey, why would you say a thing like that? Of course I wouldn’t.”
“But I think you should sweetheart, after all you deserve to be happy and I want you to forget about our love and move on with your life.”
“Oh, honey that’s very sweet but let’s not talk about it now. It’s too unpleasant a thought for me.”
She continued: “Not only don’t I want you be to be lonely, I also want you to give your
new wife al my jewelry and all my clothes and all my my other things because they’ll at least cause you to remember me in some small way.”
“That’s very sweet, honey. But let’s not talk about it now. See, we can tee off now. You go first.”
With that, Mrs. Smith hit her best drive ever and was very happy with herself.
“See honey, I feel much better now, having expressed my feelings. But promise me this, don’t give your new wife my lucky driver. That I want you to bury with me.”
“No problem,” he said, she’s left-handed.”
Left or Right-Handed
Smith and Jones liked to play on Saturday mornings at 7 am in a threesome with Brown. But Brown broke his leg and they found a replacement in an odd fellow named Green. But Green told them that he might be fifteen minutes late next Saturday but that they shouldn’t worry, he’d be there. The following Saturday, Green was on time and he played right-handed. The following Saturday morning he was on time again and played left-handed.
“See you guys next week,” Green reminded them. “But remember, I may be fifteen minutes late but don’t worry I’ll be here.”
On the following Saturday, Green was indeed fifteen minutes late. “Smith and Jones wondered which way he would play, right-handed or left-handed.
“Why were you late today?” asked Smith.
“And why are you playing right-handed today?” asked Jones.
“Green answered: “Well fellas, it all depends on my wife. I she wakes up on her left side I play right-handed and if she wakes up on her right side, I play left-handed.”
“And why were you fifteen minutes late today?”
“Oh that’s easy, Green said, “she woke up on her back!”
The New Golfers
Smith and Jones wanted their wives to learn to play gold so they each bought an introductory lesson for them at their club. Mrs. Smith’s lesson was scheduled for 9 am and Mrs. Jones’ was scheduled for 1 pm the same day. After Mrs. Smith’s lesson was completed she was surprised to see Mrs. Jones arrive at the clubhouse in preparation for her own lesson.
“When did you decide to take up golf?” she asked her friend.
“When did you?” the second countered.
“I learned how to play this morning, Mrs. Smith said.
“Oh, that’s nice. I’m going to learn this afternoon.”
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were having dinner in the clubhouse after a round of golf. Smith said he was disappointed that he could never break 90 and he asked his wife if she had any suggestions.
“Yes, I have one and only one,” she said.
“What would that be, honey?” he asked.
“Quit after 17 holes!”
The Wrong Hole
Smith was in France on a business trip and she met a pretty young woman at the hotel bar. He was quite surprised she was so flirtatious, especially since she spoke no English at all. Finally, after drinks and dessert she beckoned him with her eyes to come to her room, and of course he followed. Once there, she started to disrobe him and then disrobed herself. Smith found the silence enticing and couldn’t wait to see what she would do next. Then she started to
kiss him all over his shivering body and led him onto the bed and they began to make love, Smith couldn’t contain himself. All of a sudden she started to scream, “Monsieur, jete pou le frain!, jete pou le frain!”
Smith thought she was urging hi on and on he went. The your woman kept screaming, “Jete pou le frain!” over and over until Smith was spent. He left her room while she was still moaning. He felt she would certainly remember him for long afterward and he was proud of his sexual prowess.
The following day, while playing a round with his French business associates he hit a hole-in-one and he was ecstatic. What a country he thought. First the woman now the ace. Suddenly his caddy started screaming, “Jete pou le frain, jet e pou le frain!”
“What could it mean,” Smith wondered?
“it means the wrong hole, monsieur,” replied the Frenchman.
Golf or Shopping
Mr. Smith finally succeeded in persuading his new young new bride to come to the golf course with him to show her where he spent so much of his time. His goal was to keep her from going shopping all the time. But he quickly discovered she was rather bored and didn’t care a whiff about golf. But he persevered, doing his best to introduce her to the game but nothing he did seemed to change her low opinion of it.
“This whole here is what we call a par three,” he told her. The idea is to get it to the green and near the hole in one shot.”
“Unimpressed, she said: “Can we go shopping after you get it in the hole in one shot?”
“Sure, honey,” he said. “But not until then, okay?”
“Great!” she gleefully replied. “I can’t wait.”